We are here to share our stories of how Racism, Hatred and Trauma have previously defined us and how WE as a Collective are Rising up, Refusing the Old paradigms of how things “were” and CREATING A NEW WORLD.
We are the LightKeepers of the world and are using ALCHEMY to transform our traumas (some of us in varying stages of healing) to BE the Change that our entire planet so desperately needs.
This is a SAFE place to say whatever it is you need to say to be heard once and for all. WE MUST CREATE THIS new Dimension with our shared vibrational frequencies in order for all Conscious Beings to live in Peace, Unity and LOVE…
Some of my Brothers and Sisters NEED a different approach and I am NOT the one. I will post a link to reach her ASAP. It’s the only thing I know to do to “REFER to her”
*(long deep gutteral painful rant) feel free to bypass
I just can’t stop Crying today. The pain is SO deep.. I can only imagine the heartache for so many generations…of so many POC. Let this huge ball that is floating in the sky that we call planet earth, split open wide, like an eggshell cracking, to LET IN THE LIGHT… THE LIGHT IS THE LOVE, COMPASSION AND UNITY CONSCIOUSNESS… Evolution… people waking up in MASS Consciousness… OMG finally people “waking up” in SO many categories….
My heart is cracked wide open.. so many memories, thoughts and years and years of pain coming through.. For my brothers and sisters everywhere who have suffered, for myself who was raped as a child by the police (for my own distrust of the Po Po) For the times when I was spit on and my (then Husband who is black) was chased in Irvine for simply putting up our “for sale signs” For the time my daughter and husband and I were traveling and our car was surrounded by three white men who almost broke our windows and the hatred in their eyes which scared me to the depth of my being.. for the verbal abuse in an elevator on a cruise ship from white men of how “I am a N-lover” while traveling first class with my daughter, mom in law and then husband! Of tires slashed and windows broken parked in front of real estate office in Irvine California with nasty racial remarks painted on my car.
I remember watching my then husband, literally weep in my arms when we had our first black president.. I remember him trying to hide the fact that he was not devastated by my own families racism.. by family member calling him the N word! I remember my black girlfriends and all of our years and years of hilarious yet DEEP and profound conversations… I witnessed myself as a “reverse racist” as I had not yet dealt with the pain of white men who abused me as a child, of the police who only got two years for raping a 13 year old..of being trafficked from age 12-14 of the CONFUSION i have felt my entire life.. .
For all of the “Hair discussions” both with men and women.. Seriously, Hair!!! Melanin.. a God-created beautiful thing.. for the deep discussions of color with my Female friend who is a cop and black, who’s father told her “you better never come home with a man darker than you!” Both sides.. the list goes on and on…….for the vocabulary, and who’s right in how we pronounce words.. Right is Relative! wake the ^%$& up! For the confusion when I now date a white male, or Italian or Jewish or Persian or Whatever… for HOW I view HOW they truly feel about racism and how willing they are to understand/evolve/change/ or already “get it”
The confusion of only recently in the last ten years thinking whites were good and decent people as well.. I had spent a lifetime living with only brown/black and some whites… (if they were world travelled/not ignorant) trying to figure out “my own traumas” I remember when living in Indonesia, sitting around ONE laptop in the Jungle and trump won.. I had nightmares for weeks on end… I, a strong woman, was so fucking traumatized.. for he represented the abuse, trauma and ugliness I saw as a child to an adult… his demeaner, his face and his arrogance!!
Then during the quarantine, I saw “some things I actually agreed with” and it scared the hell out of me.. I saw the other side saying truths I totally believed in. I blurred the lines of Left and Right and saw so well “how my perceptions are based on my reality/upbringing and more” I always know of course, that many people simply are not Conscious.. Meaning, understand we are ENERGY IN A CONTAINER (body) !! It is by energy we move through the cosmos.. by ENERGY we CREATE… by LOVE….
I have NEVER been able to really express my pain in wailing deep crying pain for most of my life.. I suppressed and grew stronger as that is all I knew to do.. but it lived in me.. this RAGE… and came out at inappropriate times.. like when drunk or when I witnessed injustices…. I know I am not alone.. Today I try and feel the feelings when I can.. its not easy for me because it hurts so bad.. so visceral. I am Wailing now! My friends are wailing, deep deep pain.. It is coming up and hopefully out.
I always felt that this deep raw pain is what made me lean more towards my POC as my friends as i felt “understood on some level more so with them” that was not felt with others… It may or may not be true.. whatever, it was MY reality for so long..I later learned it was really towards those in power. those who abuse, use power to control, manipulate and suppress!!! I knew the journey of growing up with an addicted mom, no dad and foster care and group homes and Juvenile cages where i was left sometimes for months to come out to more abuse in foster care; along with constant abuse from Adults who were there to protect me.. supposedly!! I lived the injustice and turned it into a career. A career which helps those who feel no one can ever understand them! So can YOU!
Today, i feel pain for ALL ..here an abroad.. so many are so confused.. white people, please know we ARE and have been living with white privilege forever… it was all some knew.. some of us.. but NOW is the time, it is much PAST THE TIME, to finally see outside of your own journey…I have white people tell me all the time “they are not that” they are learning.. its an evolution and if someone is not raised in certain environments, they may not see it clearly.. YET.. they are waking up.. SOME..
I SEE and understand my Italians, My Jews, My Christians, Buddhists, My Muslems and my Athiests friends.. whatever.. everyone has a viewpoint.. i am NOT for only USA.. I am for THE GLOBAL WORLDVIEW OF UNITY…
Some of that is the issue.. the issue is ‘HATE’ the opposite of LOVE…. if you don’t know what to do, stay home.. learn.. if you want to make a stand, do so in Peace. If your confused about politics and where you stand.. let that go for a minute, it will be there when you get back.. trust me 🙁
I SEE and KNOW also of MANY AMAZING COPS/POLICE who stand up for what is right and TRYING to hard to BE the change as well.. Let’s not put them into the mix…
they DO Exist! Let us JOIN together.. Please don’t let YOUR Hatred and past confuse the issues. GOOD COPS also exist and are part of the solution! (I did in the past, and I was wrong) it was from My own unhealed traumas. Remember, some have not healed or dealt with years and years of this… it is SACRED GROUND and how we handle this will make all the difference..
Stand up for NON looting. Stand up for no more killing of our brothers and sisters. Do so with deleting supposed friends who are the problem, with joining others from your heart and not to be on tv! Listen to understand more than to be heard (if you are in a safe space in your heart and head)
There are SO many sides …. but all of the same coin… I try and see life and situations from many many MANY different aspects, cultures, philosophies both Ancient and Current. I step back, I observe… I STAND UP FOR, and I stand back to go within… for my Prayers ARE ENERGY… I pray we all get grounded before leaving the house or saying “those words” that our pain and angst is transformed by the ALCHEMY of our love and understanding for each other, so we can use THIS TIME, THIS DAY, THIS NOW TO FINALLY, FINALLY COME TOGETHER AS ONE…
We all come from so many different backgrounds.. some have never suffered (or so it appears from the outside) Some have never stopped suffering (simply don’t know how) Some have given up HOPE so long, that this time is so overwhelming to them, and they were never given the tools to express it appropriately, that WE need to SHOW the way.. To understand.. to BE there as a LOVING CONTAINER FOR EACH OTHER…
Some have no education, some have street smarts which surpass education! Some have never been allowed to “get it out” Yes, there will be Clean up!!! We will fix it…yes, its going to be ugly… but PLEASE, please, let US be the safe person for our friends and family or anyone in need to talk to … learn to listen, ALLOW others’ opinions… just BE a space of love that another can finally let out their pain and just hold them… you/me/us never know what someone else has had to go through their entire lives….
Let’s remember to go DEEP within and remember to get CENTERED each day upon waking, so we can EMBODY what strength, Love, Unity, ONEness and Wholeness represents.. It is hard, yes it is… but things can change in an instant when we have enough Conscious Energy on the planet.. we are in a huge Epoch of history NOW… Let us NOW BE THE CHANGE… LET US NOW PEACEABLY DEMAND EQUALITY. Let us HEAL our Entire World.. Not just USA.. We are a GLOBAL COMMUNITY… it is US not they…
FB can be a huge trouble maker, I get it. It can be used for marketing and coming together, I get it. It can be used to spread lies and untruths, I get it.. it can ALSO be used to vent, write, get heard and SEEN and Heal.. so many things.. Please, let’s use this precious time to finally stamp out hatred, sex trafficking, injustices, racism, bullying, mental health, healthcare, aloneness and on and on… for TOGETHER WE RISE..
This is what YOGA and Mindfulness and Meditation do first thing in the morning.. it ALLOWS for a release of emotions BEFORE i go out and take it out. on you who would not deserve it.. It allows me to be a place of calm amidst the storm… It allows me to cry and scream and get it out without violence BEFORE I meet with you… It allows me to BE here for you… Imagine a world where we can BE here a.k.a EMBODY THIS ENERGY… AND CREATE A NEW WAY OF EXISTING!!!
This “light” in embedded in “light codes” it is a form of communication.. it is HOW our actual DNA is changing/evolving to create a whole new way of being.. it is WHY you see so many of us Light workers, Way Showers, 1111, Activators, Yogi’s etc.. what you may call “new age” is the Old age” of Enlightenment and we are being CALLED to align with New Energies (people right here right now) and to CREATE with Light (Awareness, energy and information) …
whoever you are, wherever you are on the planet, YOU are SEEN, you are Loved and things ARE changing! Use Discernment, slow down and get centered before you act. I love you all.. thanks for listening if you made it all the way 🙂
I no longer live in this reality.. I TRY and live from my scars and not my wounds and to BE the change and CREATE using my experience in any way I can that could help others. Sometimes days like this come up, but I express it now vs. Suppress it. I am working hard on trying my best to lend a hand, ear or thoughts to those in my periphery. If anything resonates, feel free to share if you think my words can help another.. I no longer live in Shame of who I am because of how I grew up. *Life is the Journey right? I now allow my past to bleed through my work WITHOUT SHAME to show how WE ARE ALL ONE!
since posting my original comment: it was brought to my attention by some amazing strong black sisters that I was using my “white privilege” and making it “about me” I had no idea I was doing this. I was instructed to also read the two books “white fragility and my grandmothers hands” as well as a ton of resources which are here: For me, it was so cathartic as “it released something in my own healing seeing all the white people standing up” and while “yes, i get what she told me” and accept it, i also feel that “some” people MAY need to purge out their experiences as well as step up and learn and DO and BE part of the anti-racist movement. This was started NOT as a victim rant, but as an outlet for anyone, yes including myself.. to do what had to be done to STEP UP to the next level! You can bet you A$$ that I am now going to learn, listen and NOT have it be about me. Much Love and you are all seen and loved!
Here are some resources that I’ve come across that may be helpful to you:
Implicit Biases test: https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/takeatest.html (This is a great tool for self-awareness…I took this during my coach training and it’s not a one-off test, something you’ll want to revisit as you grow through doing the work)
Guide to Allyship: https://guidetoallyship.com
List of educators & resources: https://docs.google.com/…/1IUCACxNCXTF6bkq9n10r6Xdr03…/edit…
List of anti-racism resources: https://docs.google.com/…/1PrAq4iBNb4nVIcTsLcNlW8z…/preview…
Get the support you need to start talking about race, differently: https://krystlecobran.com/start-here-krystle-cobran
Systemic racism explained: https://www.instagram.com/tv/CA9LyigBdjT/
This is sooooo beautiful Niki!! Thanks for sharing from your heart and thanks for modeling vulnerability.
I personally feel it’s okay to come from your perspective because that’s exactly what it is and that’s all we can speak from. ~ our own perspective. And sometimes that’s narrow and sometimes it widens to allow for others’ perspectives. It’s all part of the growth process.
Hello
Stand in the posture of protesting, speak for a cause and don’t let your emotions get in the way.
I am surprised by your response being a POC yourself and having two black sons that you feel that “emotions get in the way” but I am not judging, just surprised that there is not “more emotion” I love you very much, you know that.. and give those kiddos (now men LOL) a hug from me..
BLACK LIVES MATTER! I wanted to lead with that first and foremost. The last few days have been heartbreaking for me and everyone in the black community. I have cried every single day since seeing the video of George Floyd losing his life. I can’t explain why I’ve been more emotional this time around when this happens to US every single day. Maybe it was the vile look on the officer’s face as Mr. Floyd was taking his final breath. Maybe it was him pleading for his “momma” before his life expired. Maybe it was the complete disregard for his life and the collective apathy from the other officer’s that didn’t intervene and just watched. Maybe it was the fact that it was being recorded and knowing that if the person recording hadn’t been there, this wouldn’t have been news. Maybe it’s because I feared and still fear for the person’s life who was brave enough to stay and capture Mr. Floyd’s final moments, knowing there could be repercussions. Maybe it’s because I’m reminded of my own trauma that I endured 16 years ago when I was in the same situation after being profiled, beaten up, had 50 guns drawn on me, had my head and face stepped on, pepper sprayed, thrown into the back of a police car, taken to jail, and sat with pepper spray in my eyes for four hours— just because I fit the description of being black while walking home from work to my home 3 blocks away. Maybe it was the fact that I had to do probation for 6 months because no one believed my story and because if I weren’t guilty, I wouldn’t have run or have been afraid. I was a straight A, perfect attendance student who missed zero days of middle school and high school. I never got in trouble. Haven’t been in trouble since. I was lucky. So many people are not.I feel guilty for being fortunate to not have ended up the way so many of my people have. I hadn’t been able to really voice my thoughts because I didn’t want to make anything about me and diminish what is is happening now. I wanted to say something because I’ve never discussed it with my closest friends who come from all walks of life. These things happen to your black friends and we carry that trauma and fear, daily. Talk to US. Understand US. It’s closer to you than you think. People you love and call friends go through this daily and carry this weight daily. God Bless!
Thank you so much Richard! You are seen and Loved.. let’s keep this going and My hopes are that this will be a catalyst for some who can’t yet be reached by the resources which are truly needed. some people need a “pre req” so to speak before they are OPEN enough to not get defensive and to actually listen.. a good start is the book (also on audible) “White Fragility” and “my grandmothers hands” https://youtu.be/COOcwul9mmU